It’s the manipulation for me.
It’s 4am, and once again, I can’t sleep. But this time, it’s not because of the monsters under my bed, this time, it’s the voices in my head. The voices telling me I’m worthless and the voices condemning me of every mistake I’ve ever made. I don’t know how this is possible but I swear some of these voices came from his silences. His silences and inability to communicate summoned the demon of assumption. I lie awake, thinking about every mistake I ever made, every wrong step I ever took and a part of me is thinking, who lives like this? I can’t breathe. My heart is on overload. Is this normal? Is this death?
One voice tells me I am valued and loved and respected, the stronger voice tells me I’m weak, and stupid, and that I deserve how I’m feeling. My heart physically aches. I cry so much my ribs hurt.
I need to breathe again, I haven’t breathed well in so long. Dare I say the reason? Is it even a reason? The voices are arguing. “I brought this on myself”, “I’m only human”, “I deserve to be treated like scum”, “I make mistakes”.
I feel like I’m going to burst soon and I would hate it if it happened with the wrong person. In fact, nobody is the right person, nobody deserves to have raw trauma spewed on them. I crave for help yet flinch when it gets close to me. One voice says I’m overreacting, one voice says I’m normal. I wish the voices would just get their act together. I don’t mind not sleeping because the voices are talking to me but I just want them to stop fighting. Just agree on something. Am I crazy or not? That’s all. Just decide. I’m exhausted.
P.S: In retrospect, I have no idea what this title means and even if it is related to the story. Its just the first thing that popped into my head.