She smiles at me when I open the door. I’m late to class once again..My teacher is fuming, I apologize briefly and proceed to take my seat beside her. My best friend smiles even wider and asks me what my excuse is this time. I say “Babe, A queen is never late. Everyone else is simply early “..
She laughs but is silenced by a look from our teacher.. She looks beautiful today, as always. She had taken her cornrows out over the weekend, and was wearing a low puff style on her hair. I try to keep my eyes off her during lectures. We went to the cafeteria together during lunch. And I could finally hug her, she smells like heaven and her hair was unbelievably soft. I always wear locs cause I don’t have the time or energy to maintain my natural hair..
“So why were you late?”.. I hear halfway through my sandwich..Umm, you know, the usual, surfing the internet, writing and stuff.. I can’t tell her the real reason. I can’t tell my best friend that I was up all night thinking of her, and the things I could do to her body. I want to believe it’s just friendship but I am in the 12th grade and I knew the difference. I love her. But not in the way a girl should love a girl. I love her in a way that cannot be spoken out loud. I love her in a way that causes my loins to ache and my breasts to itch for her touch.. I couldn’t tell her I was up all night having so many conflicted thoughts, so many fights with myself..
My pastor says it is a sin for a woman to lie with another woman. I don’t know what I believe anymore. I wish, oh so strongly, that I could just ignore my feelings..that I could just pretend they weren’t there..but they are..and growing stronger with every twinkle in her eyes. I couldn’t sleep because I was imagining the way I would kiss every freckle on her delicate sin. I don’t wanna be laughed at, I don’t want people to think I’m weird. I need to tell someone about this, about how I feel. I need to find out if this is how everyone else feels. I need to know if this is normal.
Maybe I would be able to deal with it then.. I have watched Disney movies with the same plot, a handsome prince charming and a beautiful damsel in distress.. But in my mind, in my dreams, I am the prince. She is my damsel. Oh Lord, what am i doing? Why am i thinking of these things? Why did you make me different? Why can’t i just be normal? Why can’t i be like my mates? Why do i feel these things? Why am I in love with my best friend? Save me, Lord.