There’s a girl I dream about, is she me? Is she a part of me I have repressed so much that i just think is a dream but could be a memory? Who knows? I just wanna talk about this bruised and battered girl, she grew up with me..she was a happy child..really happy. She went to school, made her parents proud, was always a top student in all of her classes, teacher’s pet, the whole works. So what happened to this beautiful happy child who was everyone’s favourite, she fade away. As she grew up, she slowly fade away..She never quite knew what started the fading..was it the misogynistic boys in jss3 who touched her inappropriately? Was it her lesson teacher flirting with her? Was it just puberty and growing up and hormones?
Who knows, her memory betrays her, and she exists in my dreams so she only remembers the things her subconscious remind her off. Who knows if these are even real memories for her? The brain is a very funny little human. No one knows why this little girl grew up to be a sad woman, but is she sad? Some of her frequent words to me are “who knows what sad is? These are all just faces” it makes absolutely no sense to me but like I said, she exists in a dream so how much sense can she make, really? She wakes up every day exhausted, mentally, physically, and just has to put on a brave face for the rest of the day.
Things barely affect her anymore, she’s numb now. She lost a friend last year. She didn’t speak about it but I know it tore a hole in her heart, you know? I know these things cause well, I feel her. Or maybe I’m watching too many sci-fi movies and maybe I have had too much coffee. But I feel her, she feels like a part of me. When she’s happy, I feel happy. Sad, I feel sad. When she got beaten up by her partner, I felt the bruises on my body when I woke up. I didn’t see them though, I just…felt them. Weird. She has been through so much hurt and pain and I wish there was something I could do to make her better, I wish I could reach out to her, somehow and let her know I’m here for her but she always wakes me up whenever I bring it up. She has been hurt by so many people that she feels life isn’t worth living anymore.
I choose not to remind her however, that she wasn’t living before, she’s a figment of my imagination. So she can’t die, or kill herself, even if she tried.