They think I am happy to leave. How could I be? But I need to leave. I don’t want to. I need to. I don’t want to leave my family. But I am a bird and I need to fly and to be able to fly,I need to be out of my comfort zone. Nothing ever grows in the comfort zone, didn’t you hear? I want to go out in the world and come back stronger. I am so close. All I need left are focus and discipline. Okay I know, those are big stuff. But I feel the future. It is so close. I can feel it on my fingertips. It feels weird cause I have never known with all convictions that I’m supposed to do something. But I feel the storm clearing.. Very soon, I will come out and blossom but till then, please, do not hold it against me. Do not hold it against me that I have to leave you. I do not take pleasure in it but it is what I need to do to grow. You love me but you do not like to see me grow. You do not like progress. You think it foolish. You think me young. Yet in the near future, you expect a miraculous growth in the matter of seconds. Growth takes time, my loves. Do not rush me. You can only encourage me and love me in the process. Take care, my loves. This is my last letter to you. For now…

Do you believe things are simply right or wrong? Do you believe life is simply white or black or do you believe life can be an assortment of greys? As for me, I don’t know what I believe. I’m on the fence in a lot of things. As Christians, we are taught to forgive others, regardless of what they did. My therapist says I should forgive because it’s doing me more harm than good to still hold a grudge. But how do I forgive my abuser? How do I just let go of all the pain and the memories, he hit me till I lost my baby. How does one just forgive a monster?

Don’t wear provocative clothing, they say. Why? Oh you may tempt men, a good Christian girl doesn’t wear an outfit that can cause her fellow brethren to sin. It’s my body. I can wear whatever I want. Oh no, Christ dwells in you. It’s His body too. Where is the fucking line?

Don’t tell people you were abused. It is your story, you own the right to share your story. No. No. Tell the whole world you were abused, call out your abusers. Let them pay. You will help others by speaking up. Yeah I would help others probably but right now, I’m more focused on helping myself. Is that selfish? Maybe.

Have fun. Go to clubs. Live your life. No. Don’t ruin your life. Read. Travel. Learn a skill. Where is the line between “You Only Live Once” and “Don’t waste your future”.

My therapist says I have anger issues. I’ve only broken about 3 of her vases. Where does she get off telling me that? I am calm. I am a rock.

I’m married, and my husband cheated on me. He didn’t fall in love with someone else. He had sex with a stranger while he was drunk. Does this mean my marriage is over? I want someone who chooses me, and respects me. But am I willing to get a divorce because he cheated? Once. But where is the line?

Don’t kill. Get an abortion.

Don’t lie. Lie to protect others.

Don’t steal. Steal so you won’t starve.

Where is the line?

I think I’m more of a gray woman now. Life can’t be good or bad. Nothing can.